This is an analogy.

[reynardo]

And as far as I know, if you're actually on LiveJournal, then it doesn't apply to you. But I'm trying to work out how to explain my Aspergers to someone, and this is how it's worked out.

OK, it's like this. Not exactly, but I'm trying to work out a way to get it across.

Imagine that I have a problem seeing three-dimensionally, because one of my eyes doesn't work. It might look perfectly ok, but it's not. Most of the time, it's not a problem. I can see enough to navigate, and I've created work-arounds that compensate rather well. Years of practice.

Imagine that you've got this amazing new garden path. It's been made out of fancy materials, and it looks as if all the tiles are real, but once you walk on it you realise that actually, some of the tiles are a Trompe-l'œil that reveals itself as you walk along. As it turns out, some of the tiles are actually little ponds and sunken garden bits and other not-really-there-but-they-look-like-it illusions. Rather beautiful, and of course people want to see it and try it out. For most people this isn't a problem, because as soon as they approach, they can see the perspective change and avoid falling over.

But for me, it is. I can't see which tiles are illusions and which are real.

Now if I just launch myself along it, and try to navigate it without any help, I'm going to undoubtedly fall into one of the ponds and make a fool of myself. Oh, I'll laugh it off, and be annoyed with myself. But more importantly, if I don't ask you for assistance with the path, ask you which is the safe way to walk and where the ponds are, then I don't blame you at all for when I fall in. Even if you knew I had some sort of difficulty with my eyes, if I didn't explain to you what the problem is, and didn't ask you specifically for the location of the safe path, then it's not fair of me to expect you to know immediately what help I need.

But if I do explain to you what the problem is, and ask you for help navigating the path, and tell you exactly what I can't see and why, then I mean it. I need help. I'd love to walk along your beautiful path, and I'd really like to walk along it without falling in. It might seem that for you to explain where all the safe paths are is like treating me as a six-year-old, because a six-year-old can see that stuff.

But I can't.

And if you tell me "oh, just walk on every third tile", and on the fifth iteration I fall in because you didn't really mean *every* third tile, just every third one until the pattern changed, I think I'm not being unreasonable in being annoyed with you.

I could take this analogy a lot further. About how I tried to walk it, and how it felt like every third step was going to pitch me in, and how, when I *did* fall in, your telling me you didn't want me on your path any more hurts so much. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to walk it.

But I don't like being limited by my disability. And I thought you, of all people, would understand that.

And I don't think this is entirely my fault.

Yes, I'm annoyed at someone. Not someone that most of you know. But I don't know how to tell them without it seeming like me trying to put all the responsibility on them.

And because every time I try to work out how to tell them, I start crying. Because, this time, I think I've lost a beautiful friendship and I don't think it's all my fault.

ETA: I've had a few friends ask if they can pass this around. Absolutely. I'm very honoured. Just keep the attributions, mmmkay?

Comments

[carolinelamb.livejournal.com]

Oh darling!

I did not know about your Asperger and have only a very superficial idea about it—I don't know what to say, just ... so much love from me!

I'd love to see you soon again!

[reynardo.livejournal.com]

*hugs* me too. The Aspergers is usually not a huge issue, but sometimes it is, and this time, I hate it with a vengeance.

[christev.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetheart! That was beautifully and effectively described, and my heart is aching for you, in terms of possibly facing the loss of a friendship. I do hope that person can get a clue, and realize that as much as you need to work to figure out the path, they do too.

[dickgloucester.livejournal.com]

You know, this analogy is a really, really good one It's so clear. Perhaps you should send it to her.

*hugs*

[loganberrybunny.livejournal.com]

That is a wonderful way of putting it. Thank you. And *hugs*, too, because *hugs*.

[shadowycat.livejournal.com]

Your analogy is a brilliant one. I've never hear it explained better. Have you given it to the person you're annoyed with? If you've tried to explain, and they aren't willing to listen and try to understand, then it's definitely not your fault. Sometimes friendships just don't work out as much as we'd dearly like them to. ~hugs~

[deor.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[kerravonsen]

*hugs*
You are such a warm and open-hearted person, my dear. You have taken risks that I would never have dared to.

Lovely analogy. (And I wish I had a garden path like that, it would be so cool. 8-))

Your situation reminds me of something that happened in my own life; where a friend was annoyed at me for being oblivious to things that she thought were bleedin' obvious that I ought to do, but she didn't say a word about it, and I had no idea she was annoyed. And I wasn't a bloody mind-reader! When it all finally came out, I was devastated, and lost faith in my own judgement. Took me a while to recover from that.

We must get together soon!

[duniazade.livejournal.com]

I think you've explained it with heartbreaking clarity.

I hope she will understand, and I hope you'll feel better.

*hugs*

[fluidsparkles.livejournal.com]

Analogy is awesome Hugs..

[red-day-dawning.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is so moving. I don't know what to say.
Would love to meet up with you some time if you're willing.

[kerravonsen]

I've been thinking about this a bit more.

And if you tell me "oh, just walk on every third tile", and on the fifth iteration I fall in because you didn't really mean *every* third tile, just every third one until the pattern changed, I think I'm not being unreasonable in being annoyed with you.

This bit has been niggling at me because it reminded me of something. It reminded me of user discussions when trying to extract a Specification for the program they want us to write. If I were trying to write a program for a robot to negotiate that path, they would say
"Walk on every third tile."
"Always walk on every third tile?"
"Yep, every third tile."

And it wouldn't be that they were lying to me or deliberately misleading me... it's just that for a non-programmer, "always" means "nine times out of ten", while for a programmer, it means "without exception". They can't remember the exceptions.

So you come back and say "That didn't work when we got to the fifteenth tile."
"Oh, yes," they say, "that's because of the tree roots."
"The tree roots? You didn't say anything about tree roots!"
"Well, there normally aren't any tree roots, so why should we have mentioned it?"
"Because of the fifteenth tile!"

And they honestly can't see what the fuss is about.

Likewise with your friend, it may not be that she doesn't care, but that she is simply not capable of doing what you request. Her own blind spot is that she can't see what your blind spots are.

We are all weak and frail human beings.

*hugs*

[reynardo.livejournal.com]

Hugs gladly accepted.

And I know what you mean about the other person not seeing it, because they just don't understand. I have tried to explain it before, in different ways, which is one of the reason I wrote this piece. I tend to use metaphors a lot.

Sadly, if I'd explained it as part of robot programming, then it might have got through better. You see, this person does things with robots...

[silmaril.livejournal.com]

Everyone else has already said things that I could say, so I'll just add extra hugs.

(OK, OK, I'll repeat because it's true: Great analogy.)

[carlowe.livejournal.com]

Lots of sympathies. I reproduced this attributed anonymously :)

My inner cynic has put forward that when someone gets to the point of shutting the door on an interaction, its because that's what they want to do, and some people can't be honest about why, even if they knew why. In this case explaining may not help, so please try not to blame yourself for something that is not fully your responsibility.

[delphipsmith]

What a lovely analogy, in every way: beautifully written, instantly comprehensible, and so...neutral. Not neutral in the sense of absence of feeling or emotion, but in the sense of not placing blame or criticism on either side. Just "This is how it is for me, and this, and this. And this is how we can work with it." *hugs*