A few more moments
Sep. 4th, 2001 07:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reynardoMoments
Actually, you're only going to get a few. I started writing this before and after 2000 words I thought I'd better prune.
So you get a couple of the best.
1980
Stop trying to do the late 70s fashions and decide to just be comfortable. Am told by three people I barely know that I look great. Decide to stop trying to fit fashion and be myself.
1982
First boyfriend has become domineering. I want to split. He swears he'll change, I give him one last chance; he acts exactly as before. I realise that the change must happen first - swearing all you like doesn't mean it will happen. Actually manage to remember this discovery a few times in the next 20 years.
1988
While attempting to fit free spirit into little tiny box, meet Peter who shows me that I cannot ignore my own personality and become something I'm not. Despite all the other things he did to me over the years, I am still grateful for this.
1989
Computers arrive in office. I am only one game enough to open box and read instructions. Don't know it at time, but this is beginning of long path downwards into Tech Support.
1990
Thanks to Outward Bound full standard 26-day course, give up smoking after 12 years. Also realise that am easily pushed around - resolve to be firmer, and at least acknowledge when it's happening. Still finding it a problem.
1992
Adam born. Beautiful boy. Postnatal depression. Suicidal thoughts and a very close shave. Drag self out the other side, covered in rents of the soul and tears of the heart. Realise that sometimes I have to be the "bad person" in the relationship, and that in order to save self cannot always help everyone else. Decide to get on with life, be honest about motives and quit playing games. Suddenly find self standing on own two feet. The thought of getting that depression again scares the hell out of me still. I am determined never to go through pregnancy, childbirth and child rearing without full genuine support. But the honesty and the straight-talking has paid off over the years.
1993
Brain finally makes the connection that it's better to be happy and single than miserable with someone. Realise that despite what's been pounded in from magazines and television and other influences, a man in one's life isn't essential for happiness. Shortly afterwards, fall in love properly for the first time ever. I'm sure this is connected. Relationship lasts only a few months but effects are lifelong. Determine that the choices are hide in shell and be safe, or let myself feel, which includes being hurt sometimes. Decide to allow self to feel. Attend training course and meet wonderful man who is caring, supportive, good-looking and gives great hugs. And meet his partner. Realise that although I am unlikely to ever have Michael, he is a good benchmark to never fall below when looking at partners.
1994
Utter betrayal by Peter, with whom things had gotten rather serious. Find strength to not fall again for the "but I love you" routine. Find strength in remembering "I don't deserve to be treated like this". Realise that I can see his personality, read the nuances, pick up the signals. Realise that my instincts are not as dead as I thought, and that I can work this stuff out. I've trusted it a lot more over the past few years, and have not been disappointed (except by people).
1996
Position of Computer Tech to Pointy Haired Boss restructured to 50%. Boss tries to intimidate me into staying. Realise have just been given opportunity to make a change, consider redeployment to Blue Mountains. Boss mocks decision - I have Damascus experience that the move, the new job, everything is perfect. I'm outta there. Last I heard they've been through 4 techs in 5 years - I'd hung on for 7 years getting steadily more miserable. Third best decision I ever made.
1998
Hold party. Invite guy in Sydney that I've been talking to on Internet. He keeps in contact. Contact becomes dating. Try very hard to see where big fault is in this guy - have made so many mistakes before, it's not supposed to be so easy. Finally admit that this man Lederhosen is above benchmark set earlier. Resolve not to fling self too fast, not to force him into emotional commitment. Mistake at dinner (I could swear he said Te Amo) results in finding out he does care. Joy....
2000
Go back to Uni. (Second best decision) Make use of Leap Year custom. Stunned when he says "yes". (Best Decision ever!)
And this really is the shortened version. Honest.
Actually, you're only going to get a few. I started writing this before and after 2000 words I thought I'd better prune.
So you get a couple of the best.
1980
Stop trying to do the late 70s fashions and decide to just be comfortable. Am told by three people I barely know that I look great. Decide to stop trying to fit fashion and be myself.
1982
First boyfriend has become domineering. I want to split. He swears he'll change, I give him one last chance; he acts exactly as before. I realise that the change must happen first - swearing all you like doesn't mean it will happen. Actually manage to remember this discovery a few times in the next 20 years.
1988
While attempting to fit free spirit into little tiny box, meet Peter who shows me that I cannot ignore my own personality and become something I'm not. Despite all the other things he did to me over the years, I am still grateful for this.
1989
Computers arrive in office. I am only one game enough to open box and read instructions. Don't know it at time, but this is beginning of long path downwards into Tech Support.
1990
Thanks to Outward Bound full standard 26-day course, give up smoking after 12 years. Also realise that am easily pushed around - resolve to be firmer, and at least acknowledge when it's happening. Still finding it a problem.
1992
Adam born. Beautiful boy. Postnatal depression. Suicidal thoughts and a very close shave. Drag self out the other side, covered in rents of the soul and tears of the heart. Realise that sometimes I have to be the "bad person" in the relationship, and that in order to save self cannot always help everyone else. Decide to get on with life, be honest about motives and quit playing games. Suddenly find self standing on own two feet. The thought of getting that depression again scares the hell out of me still. I am determined never to go through pregnancy, childbirth and child rearing without full genuine support. But the honesty and the straight-talking has paid off over the years.
1993
Brain finally makes the connection that it's better to be happy and single than miserable with someone. Realise that despite what's been pounded in from magazines and television and other influences, a man in one's life isn't essential for happiness. Shortly afterwards, fall in love properly for the first time ever. I'm sure this is connected. Relationship lasts only a few months but effects are lifelong. Determine that the choices are hide in shell and be safe, or let myself feel, which includes being hurt sometimes. Decide to allow self to feel. Attend training course and meet wonderful man who is caring, supportive, good-looking and gives great hugs. And meet his partner. Realise that although I am unlikely to ever have Michael, he is a good benchmark to never fall below when looking at partners.
1994
Utter betrayal by Peter, with whom things had gotten rather serious. Find strength to not fall again for the "but I love you" routine. Find strength in remembering "I don't deserve to be treated like this". Realise that I can see his personality, read the nuances, pick up the signals. Realise that my instincts are not as dead as I thought, and that I can work this stuff out. I've trusted it a lot more over the past few years, and have not been disappointed (except by people).
1996
Position of Computer Tech to Pointy Haired Boss restructured to 50%. Boss tries to intimidate me into staying. Realise have just been given opportunity to make a change, consider redeployment to Blue Mountains. Boss mocks decision - I have Damascus experience that the move, the new job, everything is perfect. I'm outta there. Last I heard they've been through 4 techs in 5 years - I'd hung on for 7 years getting steadily more miserable. Third best decision I ever made.
1998
Hold party. Invite guy in Sydney that I've been talking to on Internet. He keeps in contact. Contact becomes dating. Try very hard to see where big fault is in this guy - have made so many mistakes before, it's not supposed to be so easy. Finally admit that this man Lederhosen is above benchmark set earlier. Resolve not to fling self too fast, not to force him into emotional commitment. Mistake at dinner (I could swear he said Te Amo) results in finding out he does care. Joy....
2000
Go back to Uni. (Second best decision) Make use of Leap Year custom. Stunned when he says "yes". (Best Decision ever!)
And this really is the shortened version. Honest.
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Symp!
Date: 2001-09-04 06:47 am (UTC)And post the long version, just use LJcut. Some of us are darned curious :)
Prod.
Prodprod.
Prodprodpry.