I've got to work out a better way to do this.

[reynardo]

When I was a kid, my family didn't acknowledge any sort of negative emotion. Funny, because they were all pretty negative themselves. There was the usual brother thing of putting each other and their big sister down. If you complained or asked for help you were just expected to deal with it. If you got a good mark, you should have don beter. If you were angry or upset it was ignored or worse still, laughed at. It took some major shocks, including my brother's death in 1989, to start things changing and they're still not great. But it meant that for a very long time I had no idea what was reasonable to do when you were unhappy or upset or angry about somehting. About the only thing that was half -noticed was a total explosion, and as the stuff would build up inside, explosion was often the last resort anyway.

It also meant that when it came to needing help, you tended not to say anything until you'd either stuffed up completely or finished whatever you were doing. You expected to get criticised anyway (and not in a good way) so why bother.

Add to that a nice layer of trying-to-help-everybody-else and not leaving much of me, and you've got a nice little Mount St Helens just waiting to happen.

Anyway, what all this is leading to is although I've gotten better over the years at speaking up and asking for help, or saying when I'm not doing too well, I tend to hide most of it all deep down inside. This of course leads to the traditional "Vesivius" effect of Gillian seeming to be coping beautifully, then something quite small triggering off a large explosion. The veneer is, like all veneers, thin, easily broken, and often covering a combination of stressing, maybe a cold or flu, family problems, worrying about the house - all of that. Poor lederhosen has copped it more than once - as has da_norvegicus, of course.

And I hate doing that to people. I hate not being able to be nice and sweet and helpful and make everyone else better and fixing the world's problems, and I hate myself when I take it out on them when I can't be perfect. Yes, I know no-one can be perfect. That doesn't stop me wanting to be, does it?

So for the poor souls who have copped the full brunt of my rotten temper and miserable grumpiness and things this last week, my public wholehearted apologies.

Comments

[malada.livejournal.com]

Poor dear, I understand.

As a Middle Child I ended up swallowing a lot of my problems as the Oldest and the Youngest got - and caused - most of the trouble.

I learned not to swallow and hide my pain as much.

Good luck, sweetie.

-m

[turnberryknkn.livejournal.com]

Hope things get better.

[freyaw.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Sometimes it's really hard to sit down and say "Take care of me for a while, I'd like to be held instead of holding"

What am I saying, it's ALWAYS really really hard!

I'm afraid I haven't yet got to the stage you're at, and I tend not to explode (except into tears), so my LJ is copping the brunt when I go 'twing' (the one-eye squint 'I'm going mad' look).

Get better soon!